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21 September 2010 @ 11:50 pm
Life has been utter chaos. I'm so upset that this community I've tried to join a bunch of times is rejecting me because I can't be a fanatic and post constantly to my journal and respond every day to posts in their waiting room journal. This is ridiculous. I already only get three hours of sleep a day because I do school/work/gym the rest of the day and still don't have enough hours to get all of my work done. How the heck am I supposed to balance all that AND keep up continually with a journal. My weight has GROSSLY rubber banded over the months and my body is seriously taking a toll from it. I need to get thin and STAY thin. TT____TT I need help and I have no one to turn to and it would be really nice if I didn't have to fight just to get into the dang community that would provide that for me. I don't want to do anything super damaging to my body so I'm too scared to try things that haven't already been worked out by girls before me. I'm at an age where I'm starting to get older and I don't want to spend my whole life as that kinda chubby, not quite in shape girl. This really is embarrassing to admit, but ...I just want to be attractive for once. I want to feel confident in myself and when I got really skinny and suddenly guys were tripping over themselves and doing nice things for me...that was WONDERFUL. It was the first time in my life the opposite sex ever acted so positive towards me. It's not because I'm trying to get a guy or need one. I have one. He's perfect. It's because I want to feel good about me. I want to be confident. I want to hold my head up high, look in a mirror and be happy with what I see. I had that once. VERY briefly in my life and it was like crack. I want that again and for an extended period of time. I want to like me. =(
Current Mood: desperate
01 February 2010 @ 02:15 am
Fell off the wagon for a LONG time. I think I'm ready to start again. Been getting back down to my old sizes. Now it's time to take things seriously. I'm ready to train and to have a womanly shape finally. I'm ready to be beautifully slender. I look at pictures of a lot of the girls that live around here and I think to myself  "Oh my god they're so gorgeous, I could never be that slender and effeminate". Maybe I can change my mind on that if I just do things right for a while. He's going to be gone, my bad influence, so I need to take myself seriously now. Metamorphosis into that beautiful butterfly I know I can be.

There's a movie I saw once where one of the lines stuck with me. The female character said she didn't have time for a job because she was too busy making herself every man's dream woman. I think all ladies secretly have that same wish, to be every man's dream woman. There you go, my impossible goal. :)
Current Mood: determined
18 October 2009 @ 07:37 am
My best friend has been over for quite a while so I haven't been able to post. Apparently she used to be bulimic as well, but isn't anymore. I still don't want her to know though.

Haven't slept yet. I'm going to pull a double and reset my sleep clock. Yesterday I did yoga and meditated. Can't remember everything I ate.

Today I'm starting off with 1/2 cup plain yogurt with one granola bar crumbled into it and pumpkin pie spice creamer for flavoring. I may eat a grapefruit a little later if I get the munchies. I'll be using one packet of splenda to sweeten it if it needs it. I may have a cup of coffee soon as well. I'll use 3 packets of splenda and a dash of 2%milk if I do.

Just did the math. I've already consumed 205 calories today. Eep! Didn't realize how much that stuff had in it. =\
08 October 2009 @ 02:35 pm
Okay so two of the roomies moved out, the other one is never here and my bf is away for half a month. I can finally post again without fear of getting discovered. This is so stressful. I'm gaining and can't even vent. SO not okay. T__T

What I've eaten so far today

one gulp of 2% milk cals?
one vanilla latte with 2% milk and splenda 130 cals

It's 2:36 pm

I don't want to fall off the boat anymore. Shit I'm still trying to get back up on the boat. I'm going to start working out taday again. Come hell or high water. If no one will go with me to the gym then I'll just run around my neighborhood and work out in my room and dance my ass off after the roomie goes to bed. Hell, I might even get ballsy and go to the gym by my lonesome.

I feel like I can do this. My time limit is near impossible, but I think I can do it. I'm back up to 121.5. Goal weight by Halloween in 118. Long term goal is 115 and maybe if I can manage it, 110. I would love to be 110.

My friend is back. She's gained weight too, but fuck, her frame is smaller than mine and she's taller. She STILL looks skinnier than me. TT____TT I'm not competing with her or anything, but she's always made me feel so fat. Not her fault.

I've got to invest in a waist training corset, hips could seriously help my image.

2nd small latte w/ one teaspoon sugar (ran out of splenda) 145 cals

Boca Bruschetta Burger 70 cals
w/ 1 ounce BBQ Sauce 30 cals

small bowl of velveeta mac n cheese ? cals
glass of crystal light peach tea sugarless 0 cals


about to purge =\

Purged and even jogged for the first time in a few months. I jogged father than I think I'd ever done before. I felt very proud of myself. Started getting a bit wigged out about certain cars I wasn't sure about. It seemed like one kept driving by, so I ended my jog early. (and this is why I want a gun...lol, so I can continue jogging without fear. me = silly)

Came home and showered and cleaned house. Drank a couple glasses more of that Crystal Light Peach Tea with 0 cals. Hydration is good and it helps keep the tummy feeling full. I'm going to prep a cold latte for tomorrow morning so I have something in my tummy to start off with to avoid getting hungry later on and eating a bunch of fast food. Bleh. (I actually purged at work the other day in the person's own bathroom, I was so disgusted with myself for eating two bacon double cheeseburgers @___@;)

I feel good. I feel like I can do this. Sadly I didn't have visible proof of my good work (as I weighed the same as earlier in the day), but that would be asking for too much. It's only one day so far. =3

Now to go make bed, read, and fall asleep. BIG day tomorrow! Here's hoping to keeping up willpower during it all.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
15 September 2009 @ 09:24 pm
I fell off the wagon, I got chubby, I say fat, but then everyone yells at me. I don't know what to do, work is overwhelming and the boyfriend is around me so much and constantly hassling me that I can't even take care of my over eating issues the only way I can. I'm at a serious loss. I'm eating more these days because I've been freaking out with all the stress and have no way to get rid of the excess because I can't purge or even go to the gym now. I'm about to flip my lid. My sanity has seriously reached its breaking point. I can't even get help through the internet because the group I keep trying to join has a strict policy about having to be online so often and commenting on everyone else's posts to the community. I barely have time to breath let alone sneak online when everyone else in this house of five is asleep, then have to go through the whole damn board and comment so much. That's freaking impossible! What the heck, okay we're here to support and help you with your eating issues and give you advice on how to take care of all of this, but only if you can fit into our specified boarders.... um, have pity? ARG!

No one would go with me to the gym, and then my car broke when a new one opened up near me. Now I'm not even sure if my membership is still active because it doesn't seem like they've been withdrawing their dues from my bake account for this month and the last. Seriously, I - want - to - scream.

OMFG, and now my obese room mate is crying out while her and her man get it on. Can this BE ANY WORSE?!?

21 March 2009 @ 08:44 pm
diet pills.
17 January 2009 @ 05:47 pm
I was busted last night. =( I didn't flush well enough. Not good. I played it off, but he's been more and more suspicious of me. How could I be so forgetful?? Don't want to lose him or have him think lowly of me because of my ED. This sucks. I just haven't been able to control myself...don't know where to go for help. Maybe I should try appetite supressant teas again. I don't know. The start of the new year and I'm already having control issues...not that they died down or anything at the end of last year, but I was just hoping maybe my resolve would be strengthened with the new beginning. I don't know.

Things are starting to unravel, but I'm trying REALLY hard to tuck the little pieces back in. (though once things begin to come undone they can't be put right again unless you're a pro...gr)

Current Music: Bob Crosby and His Bob Cats - March of the Bob Cats
10 January 2009 @ 03:07 am
I gained weight and I just want to cry. It's already hard enough because my ribs are so wide, I'll never be able to obtain that classic feminine shape where the ribs are smaller than the hips and taper out. T__T I want a waist cincher SO bad to help pull them in. So expensive. Stupid economy.

The damn holidays have me craving sweets left and right. I have no idea how to make it stop.

Hate the way my body looks right now. I look in the mirror and cringe. Fucking sucks.

I haven't even been able to purge when I want to because I'm hounded when I go to the bathroom these days and my bf actually asked me a couple of times if I binge and I was so scared that I lied about it because he said he had a gf once that did that and he left her for it.

WTF? If you're attracted to really skinny girls and ones that seem to have ED...then why get grossed out by them? boo. I lost my counselor too so now I'm not doing so well. Kinda spazzing actually.

No job. No counselor. Car just broke. Phone is off. No family. Gained a LOT of weight (afraid to get on a scale right now) Bills due. Dirty ass house with dirty ass roomies. BF acting strange. I just want to scream. Seriously. I really want to just go somewhere alone and scream until my throat gives out.

=( kitty is not pleased

My boyfriend is away for the weekend. I can't sleep. RAWR. at least I'm burning more calories...but I'm procrastinating on binging up the chocolate I ate. what is up with me? u__u
10 January 2009 @ 03:03 am
I've not been able to post here because people have practically been checking on me at every possible moment. T__T I need my outlet and I haven't had the chance for it. ...I hope I didn't screw up my chances with some of these LJ groups because of that. gr...((sigh))
06 October 2008 @ 04:50 am
Uh! Just have to post again. I checked the scale, back down to 120.5 so without thinking I binged, two refrigerator cookies and a half glass of milk with rose tequila liquor dashed into it. I feel bloated and icky now. I'll purge it out in just a moment. Stupidness on my part. =\

Wish I feel pretty again. Have to leave soon, going to go get ready.
Current Music: The Ronnettes - Be My Baby